Absent
presence

Jia

20min 26s single channel audio of compiled whatsapp voice notes.

Translated by Yaminay Nasir Chaudhri

Like you had asked me, “about the house. How is your house and how should it be–your ideal house? Your kids?” So I want to share that I have seen two kinds of environments.The first was rural, in the village. I was born and raised there. Ok. So that was my first environment. Where there were open houses. Meals were cooked on the choolha rather than on gas. I’m talking about my childhood not now, because now everything has changed with time. My childhood… open houses…the cool air of trees…sunlight coming inside houses…basking us and our houses in sunlight...and when we used to sleep at night, it wasn't inside rooms–neither did we have ACs–instead we slept in the open fields on charpoys, in cool tree air. When we couldn't sleep we would look at the sky, at the stars, at the moon, and while ruminating over them, we would fall asleep. There were certain days and rituals, whatever– we used to enjoy them tremendously.

I journeyed from childhood to youth, and from youth to marriage. I was 19 when I was married. I came to Karachi after my marriage. In Karachi, at first, we lived in a small basti. That was a little like living in the village. Except that our house was very closed. It didn't get much air or sunlight. Chalo, that time also passed. I had two kids there. My first, at the age of 20. My second, between the ages of 21-22. After that we shifted to metropolitan Karachi. We lived in the Garden area. In a plaza, on the first floor. The last apartment is ours. The house has three rooms, a drawing room, a hall, small kitchen, three attached baths and a big gallery. Only the first floor apartments get a big gallery. The rest get small galleries. I love that my house stays very cool. Doesn't get hot. Not sure why, maybe it's the wind here, whatever, our house stays very cool. Besides that we also have windows, but they are such that when we open a window in the hall we see the wall of the building next door. When we open the kitchen window, there too we see another building’s wall. And when we open the bedroom window, it’s the same. I mean, when a person finishes all the housework and is tired at the end of the day, or finishes all the childcare and is tired, or if they are emotionally or physically disturbed by something in their environment, then in my opinion, one should have a space where a woman (after finishing her domestic and childcare chores) can sit down and gaze at an open atmosphere. Where she can see in front of her people bustling about. Where she can sit down with a cup of tea and look at them. Enjoying this refreshes the mind. This is something that I don’t have in my house. This is something I need badly, at times. This is my current house. Otherwise everything is good. But this one thing is something I need…

Now look, dreams never come true. Because one can dream up anything. I should have a bungalow, a castle, or this or that–no. I want to satisfy my longings according to my needs. My needs, my bank balance. According to that, I want to find a house in such a place–where there may be buildings, bhalle, because Karachi has a culture of buildings–but such a place where there is peace. Not too much noise from cars or people. Clean atmosphere. And my house should be on a higher floor like the third or fourth floor. It should have excellent ventilation. When a window is opened sunlight should pour in, cool air should come in, the outside sky and scenery should all be visible. Decoration…I love decorating my house. But most importantly I love keeping it clean and tidy. I prefer tile over marble. White. And I even prefer my pants to be white. White pants. White lights. The house should shine. When a person comes home they should feel a positive energy. Good feelings. An atmosphere of peace at home. My kids should have their own room, on one side should be their study area and on the other side they should have enough space to play, joke around, anything. Their personal room should be this big. And even my own room should also be such that I have a window to look out from. When a person gets tired after doing house chores, childcare chores, or any other work, then they should be able to sit by the window with a cup of tea, look outside at the view and refresh their mind. That’s all I wish for. I don't have wishes that are too big. I have kept my limits and needs in mind. That's all. If Allah wishes then it will be fulfilled also. If I talk about changing my house in some way…then I want a nice kitchen. Like an open kitchen. Dining table nearby. Cook food in the same place where you lay the table–where you eat. Chit chat with your husband in the kitchen while you cook. I want my kitchen area to be better. Open, airy. Sitting with my husband nearby…talking to him while I cook. I love food! Cooking as well as eating, both. I love it. I have a goal, or longing–whatever you call it. I want to open my own restaurant! If I ever get the opportunity, I will do it.

The rest…my life had ebbs and flows…it kept moving, moving. When I got married I had dreams of working, but maybe because of some problems at home, or because of the kids I couldn’t do it. When my kids were little, I didn't have any time to myself. Because there isn’t much of a gap in age in my kids. I didn't have much time. But yes, now that my kids are a little older of course I get time for myself. I take out time for myself. I take time to workout in the morning. I take time to go out. I take time to use the cell phone and watch tv. And I also give my kids my time–friendly time I mean. Now I can find the time. Besides that, when they were little there was no time. No time to go anywhere, no other activity. Nothing. As they are growing up though, my stress is also disappearing. That’s all I have for now. I hope you liked listening to me. Please tell me if there was anything you liked. I hope you will also tell me if there was anything you didn’t like, or if there was anything that was wrong. But I hope you will enjoy this. Thank you.

Why don't you listen to everything properly first and then I will also give you more information about what else needs to be changed. I think instead of a restaurant, the atmosphere of my house is more important. Where me and my husband are sitting in the kitchen, food is cooking, now it’s cooked, I've laid the table, my kids–my husband and I are sitting together eating joyfully. That is more important to me.

Assalamu alaikum as you had asked about the kitchen. “What else would you like to change?” I loved that you are taking interest in my feelings and comments. I really like it. I would like to share that in the kitchen, in terms of color I already like white. But in the kitchen I would like a combination of red and white. A little red and lots of white. In terms of decoration, I would like to use a lot of glass in the kitchen so that I can see everything inside. Where and how everything is kept. There should be an oven and grinder. I should not be worried, everything should be near me. Whenever I need to use something I can use it right away instead of running here and there. I like an open kitchen, because I want everything I cook to be in front of my eyes. Fresh open and visible to everyone how it is being cooked. Imagine you and your family are visiting me. Sitting on the dining table. Waiting for the food. I am cooking for you in front of you. Cooking lovely things. You are smelling the nice aromas. You can see how I am cooking it. You can see how clean everything is. That's why I love an open kitchen. My husband also loves cleanliness. So I try to make sure everything is perfect. If I ever get a chance to open a restaurant, there too I would like my kitchen to be open so that visitors can see how everything is being cooked. And I am doing this for love, not for money. Because when there is taste, people will love it. Some people do it for show but in my opinion I will have taste. Besides that, sitting with my husband, chatting and cooking at the same time, I feel energized by talking to him while cooking. He is talking. I am talking. Our favorite dinner is biryani with raita, salad, chips and cold drinks. We cook this often. So my biryani is being cooked, my husband is smelling the aromas, and as he inhales the nice aromas he says Jia why don’t you open a restaurant? I had this dream and my husband is also supportive, so my dream has grown even more. Life should be just like this. My dinner set should be white. I love white. Besides that everything in the kitchen should be perfect.

The Kitchen’s location should be such that cool air crosses through the room. When you open the window cool air should rush in. There should be no need for a fan. When the cool air comes in, it will make me active and ready to cook. I will be in the mood to cook. When it's hot, one doesn't feel like entering the kitchen. That's why my kitchen has to be very airy. Anything I use in the kitchen–like the oven, juicer, grinder, fridge, anything I need should be set up in the kitchen. There should be enough space to set them up in the kitchen so that when I start cooking I don't need a helper, nor would I need to run around too much. My cutting area should be near me. I should be able to extend my hand here or there and quickly get what I need. Everything should be set in such a way that when someone looks at it, it looks good. I want to use glass on my cabinets so that everything inside is visible and their cleanliness and order is visible. Besides that I have mentioned all this in audios before. After the food is ready then it will be laid on the dining table. Then our family will sit together.

When you are free, please listen to this and tell me if this is OK or not. Because all night I was worried about what I should say or tell. What should I be saying? Then I thought that I just have to share my feelings and share myself. What are my feelings? That, rather than pretentious words are what I have to say. The audios I sent you are actually my dreams and longings. It is by random coincidence that I was connected to you, and you asked me about them–but these things have been in my heart for a very long time. But I just never had the time to tell them to anyone. As they say, “when no one listens, God listens”. That’s what happened this time. Whatever was in my heart, my feelings, I have told you. These thoughts are a part of my life. Besides this, I have no problems, I am grateful to Allah. Everything is set. Naturally in life–ups and downs, this and that happens. No worries. Besides that…in life one has lots of big dreams, but I only have these little dreams. Naturally, everyone has a different life. But this is my life. Every housewife has a different life. Some have one problem, some another. The women who work outside also have different lives, they have different problems. For now, I am only talking about my own life. This is what I like. I hope that you will enjoy this a lot. Allah Malik hai!

OK. Please reply to me when you listen to this and tell me what you think.